Things No One Tells You About Moving to China

or rather, what everyone tries to express but there are no appropriate words/no way you on the comfortable side of the world would believe.

1. IKEA will become home away from home
3 times in two weeks.  There's a safety in yellow lettering and follow-this-sign floor plans

2. You will experience culture shock
Even if you've travelled.  Especially if you've travelled because you'll be lulled into a false sense of security.  This is China--roads are big and wide, electric bikes come zipping around corners silently clipping you head on, LED lighting has a new meaning.

3. The commies are not coming to get you
Really, Chinese people are just like people everywhere else in the world.  Busy, getting on with their days, compassionate and willing to pantomime to be understood when you don't speak their language.

4. People will assume you speak Mandarin
Because why wouldn't you?  Because you're in their country, bitch.  Because linguistic xenophobia got checked at the border.

5.  The people, oh the people
They're everywhere. Everywhere I tell you.  In the millions and billions.  Unless you're in an expat area don't expect things like personal space to be respected.  Personal space, what's that?

6. Pollution
Believe this rumour.  On a good day, the sky is a white-flecked yellow.  I think my corneas might burn the next time I witness direct sunlight.

7. The coffee
Ohmygoodnessno.  $12 for a jar of instant coffee, more for beans.  And God knows how you buy a coffee grinder.  The stuff in the staff room--I must be chewing raw grounds.  Toxic comes to mind.  Thankfully, there's more Starbucks per square mile here than anywhere else in the world (minus Toronto and NYC).  In fact, I can see one out my window.

8. The food
Ohmygoodnessyes.  Vegetables (flecked with meat)--aubergine, beans, dumplings.  How has the rest of the world got this so wrong?

 

9.  It will become normal
I'm still working on this one but it's happening.  I can feel it.