The Chocolate Hills and other Surrealism

We were already quickly learning that things on our temporary island home worked differently to anywhere we'd ever been before.  The same went for a day tour we took, booked at the local tourist office.

The trip boasted a jam-packed itinerary: the Chocolate Hills (not actually chocolate), a visit to the tarsier sanctuary, a local cathedral.  What was less advertised were the ridiculous stops in between: to the butterfly garden; a river cruise; a swing across the river on a zipline; to the Bohol python's house--a name for both the gigantic snake and gigantic transvestite who drummed up business there.

What's more, we paid a flat rate for the first three stops.  At 400 pesos, it was hardly expensive.  But then at each successive stop you pay for the attraction.  If you don't want to go in, you wait at the side of the road as everyone else in the tour group shuffles in, out and back to the mini-bus.  The costs are nearly negligible.  But I have a slightly ashamed loathing of things that flutter and land in my face and the idea of a zipline in a very developing part of the world made me a little more than nervous.   As such, there was a lot of roadside sitting and waiting.

Stop One: The Chocolate Hills
 The Chocolate Hills are a series of nearly 1,300 verdant hills that dot the interior of Bohol's landscape. In the dry season, the grass turns brown and hence their name, Chocolate Hills. Winding staircases take tourists up close and personal.  There one can gain various perspectives of the reality of the hills.  Because, from an aerial vantage point they resemble boobs, endless boobs on the landscape for as far as the eye can see.

But they're important boobs.  The Philippines has declared them the 'third National Geological Monument', a surefire way to increase tourist revenue.  And the tourists flocked in to walk up the stairs, walk down the stairs and file back on the bus to the next stop on the campaign trail.

 

Stop Two: The Man-made Forest
From there, we made our way to the 'Man-made Forest', a fancy way, I think, of saying 'a forest of bamboo and other trees that was planted by people and therefore not naturally occurring'. The trees looked pretty real to me:

 The stop was less of a stop and more of a pull up to the side of the road, snap some photos and be on your way. We quickly parted with all things man-made and fluttered towards the butterflies. More side-of-the-road sitting. 

Stop Four: Bohol Tarsier Research and Development Center
From all the hype, this stop had promise.  Bohol is home to the tarsier, a teeny tiny carnivorous primate with dinner-plate sized eyes.  Pictures of the cutie adorned postcards and t-shirts island wide; they've become something of a national symbol. 

 The tarsier is a shy, noctural creature that struggles to live in captivity.  Rumour has it, when boxed into too-small spaces they cry listlessly, go on hunger strike and then throw themselves at the bars in attempt of suicide. A local man took pity on their plight and set up an outdoor facility--a sea of calm and quiet tucked faraway off the main road. There, these little recluses have space to run amongst the trees and be their tarsier selves.

Noises, sunlight and daytime are the tarsiers' biggest enemies.  Hence, a midday excursion to the Research Center found all the big-eyed buddies clinging to branches under the sanctuary's canopies. They hid:

I took pity on their state of wanting to be left alone.  In the midst of a good nap, I'd hardly like to be awoken to a snap-snap-snapping of annoying tourists.  We made our way through the gift shop, a mecca of all things tarsier before heading to our next stop.

Stop Five: The River Cruise and Zipline
We were fed lunch on our next stop, a beautiful ride on a covered pontoon down the Loboc river.  Along the way, government commissioned 'folk' acts stood at platforms waiting to perform to the passing tourists.  I was a bit confused by this--namely by school-aged girls who looked like they should be at school but instead performed traditional songs and dances.

Towards the end of the river, danced a zipline where occasionally screaming bodies flew across.  Our boat ride done, we made for the launch point of said zipping.  I, again, opted for not zipping but enjoyed watching my bus mates, one with the worst case of Resting Bitch Face I've ever seen, scream and flail:

And because I live in Asia, I tried to work the finer points of my Christmas white elephant gift, the selfie stick! 

 

Maybe next time, the stick won't be in the picture.

Stop Six: The Bohol Python

I almost didn't go into this impromptu side-of-the-road zoo but I'm rather glad I did.  Inside, common pigeons strutted themselves as exotic birds, photo opportunities abounded and I squared off with a 30-foot, 400-lb python. We also caught the tail end of the cross dressing Filipino who was entertaining/terrifying a group of local travelers.  The dress, boa and red lipstick didi little to hide his sizably muscled thighs.  But when in Bohol...  

Our 30-minutes was a delightful experience in sensory overload.

Our journey ended on the steps of the cathedral, only the journey took so long that the cathedral was closed.  So we crossed the street to capture one final breathtaking view before heading back to our starting point.

Weirdest tour ever.