Back to Bangkok

We ended a sun-filled five weeks circling back to Bangkok. We were low on money, energy and clean clothes.  Which is why we stayed in a hotel on the Khao San Road and strayed not too far from it on our last 1.5 days.  It had everything we wanted--cheap souvenirs, beer and noodles.  I even revisited my favourite little cafe, Moka, on one meandering side street or another.          

                                         

Nick and I did a bit more exploration, whilst Jon napped the day away.  I think he was overwhelmed with the heat and the city and the impending home after such an extended time away.  

 I must admit that it was slightly overwhelming to be in such a buzzy space again.  But it was also comforting to be one in a melee of anonymity.  I'm pretty happy as a city dweller. So we wandered, taking notice of all things Bangkoky.

Nick and I had one final Thai massage before we made our way back to find Jon for a last meal.  

And thus, our time in Thailand ended quietly. The country, its beaches and cities defied my expectations in every way.  I mean, the stereotype of drunken western backpackers does exist.  And Thailand is well on the tourist path.  But it's also easy to avoid the chaos and dimly lit seedy tourism.  I loved just about every second of our trip and i'd definitely go back.  

And to anyone skeptical, ask me.  I'll try to convince you.   

Diving in Koh Tao

All drama with Crystal Dive School aside, our time under the sea turned into a thing of beauty.  Thailand boasts some of the cheapest certification costs (£300 for a beginner's course) and some of the most stunning underwater scenery.

It was on this premise we signed up for the early mornings and classroom chalk and talk.  From a gigantic class of 40, we were split off into smaller groups of 6 and given a new instructor.  Ours was a grumpy 40-something leather skinned Kiwi, who called himself Kiwi.  He terrified me, particularly when I effed up with mask skills--taking a mask off and putting it back on underwater without stopping your breathing...But he did know his stuff and when one of our team had a legitimate this-is-not-a-drill underwater oxygen emergency, he hopped to it. 

Our group consisted of two Danish girls, Sanne and Signe, a Belgian couple, Tessa and Stephen and Jon and myself.  They turned into good friends for the remainder of the trip, which was a highlight.  

On our second and third days, we ventured into 15-20 meter depths and watched, amazed, as a school of silvery fish wended their way around our party.  We saw coral reefs and big fish with little teeth and little fish with big teeth.  I'm doing this no justice, I'm aware, but scuba diving is such a spectacularly odd experience that I will never cease to be amazed.  

In doing a course in three days, we were also given a little graduation ceremony (with plenty of alcohol) followed by our cards and dive booklets.  From there, we were free to dive the world, to 20 meters at least.  Jon packed up his diving gear shortly thereafter, and I joined Nick on a couple more dives run by a different resort on the island. 

I'd like to say i'm making a huge effort in keeping my certification up to date now, but sadly this isn't the case.  Diving is an activity you can do in the freezing cold, low visibility English sea, but it's not one i'm keen to do.  Thus, when I find myself in southeast asia again, I'll have to do a top-up two hour skills class and then be on my way.  

Now to convince some friends...

Koh Tao

It's impossible not to fall in love with a place as beautiful as Koh Tao.  Digging through the archives, it appears I felt the need not to say much whilst I was there.  It's impossible to say much.

Koh Tao is diver's paradise--it caters to the every whim of those who get up early to swim with the fishes.  Breakfasts--both Thai (soup--it's confusing) and non-Thai (the first place in our five weeks away) are abundant.  The bars are laid back and right on the beach.  You can party hard--but it's more a party hard by listening to some live music and drinking far too many in your bare feet.  And the beach.  Well, stunning. White sand, alcoves, cheap kayak hire.  It's hard to put into words.

We spent many of our nights here--Lotus Bar, located directly on the beach.  It all began to feel a little like too much relaxation was going to make me an eternally lazy person. But it didn't stop me from soaking up the atmosphere and drinking a few (too many) beers. 

In all honestly, we didn't spend all our time here. We spent the first part of our five days on Koh Tao in diving school.  Three days of solid classroom to pool to shallow ocean depths with Scuba gear attached to our backs.  There's something very counterintuitive about jumping into open water with 20 kilos of gear strapped to your back. But there's something marvelous about diving, diving, diving and still being able to breathe.  More on that later.

Crystal Dive Resort, Koh Tao

I'll start with the negatives before saluting this lovely, lovely island.  It begins like this: I have never been more disappointed with a Lonely Planet recommendation, and LP's let me down a lot in the past.

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Notes from the paper archive 17/8/11

Crystal Dive School. Fecking piece of shite. 

From the lies their staff told us in Koh Pha Ngan--late wake ups! early pickups! no hidden fees!  great rooms on the resort!  to our homophobic man-hating dive instructor to our 'room'--a three-bed jobbie above a used book shop with a window that leads to the kitchen of the Thai family we stayed with, the cockroaches and black mold in the 'shower'--a nozzle that hangs askew sort of off the wall, the mattresses--two with springs jutting sharply into our backs and one as hard as a brick to its 'security' measures which leaves me carrying around my passport and Thai baht onto dive boats instead of leaving anything here...

Did I mention that a Thai man disguised our room as the toilet and walked in an hour ago, at about roughly 1am? Did I mention we've already argued with the Crystal Dive School staff and their unequivocal message has been--'well you're just lucky to have accommodation!' Rudely.

and you'd never know from initial glimpses...

I wouldn't normally argue. I'm usually quite sedate. I don't like making a scene.  But we paid good money to stay in a place that's meant to have beds we can sleep on, a clean toilet and air con.  We can't even open the windows--three Thai men are sitting outside the window eating their late dinner.  The only problem is that it's 38 celsius outside. 

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This little problem only resolved itself after 20 solid minutes of Nick screaming, shouting and yelling at every possible staff member at Crystal.  We were granted the privilege of paying a lot more money to stay at the actual dive resort hotel. With air conditioning, an infinity pool and three beds that were sleep able.  Lovely. New digs:

But don't let this fool you.  The staff are slippery and the price is a lot more expensive than is initially advertised.  Staff especially made a big deal of their 'Lonely Planet Recommended Pick' section in the book...but boo! Crystal Dive Staff...boo!  False Advertising...boo!

Thank goodness this says absolutely nothing about Koh Tao itself. 

Koh Pha Ngan

I may choose to title this entry 'what happens at full moon party stays at full moon party' and leave it at that.  This is to protect the voices of the guilty, one of which I am not.  Because there are stories.  Stories that add up to some of my most ridiculous travel stories.  But these stories are also incriminating.  So if you're interested, you're just going to have to ask me.

I will say this.  

Full moon party is both under and overrated.  I mean upwards of 10,000 people getting drunk on the beach under the influence of thai whiskey and thai red bull whilst painted in various shades of fluorescent paint isn't something to balk at.  Unless you're classy.  And I did see more impromptu drug deals than you could shake a stick at.  And the snogging. The drunken, table dancing, hip gyrating to the bump, bump excessively high bass music snogging.  But that's kind of what you expect when you find yourself on an island the night of a party that many westerners have travelled around the world to get to.

note the bodies on the picnic table behind us

Minus Nick and Jon, I couldn't tell you who any of these people are

Thai people? They're amused by this. And smart. Very, very smart.  Stands lined the streets leading to the beach selling impossibly cheap alcohol in plastic pails.  The toast sandwich centre managed to import roughly 9 toastie machines, British white bread (something I don't necessarily appreciate or enjoy until I couldn't' find it for five weeks) and european cheese (cheddar, mozzarella, the basics).  At something like 30 pence per sandwich, the place was filled--both day and night--with revellers and the semi-comatose.  

The bucket trade

You may notice that i've said very little about the island of Koh Pha Ngan itself.  I think it would be beautiful. I think it could be beautiful. I think it was once beautiful.  And then a bunch of wankers came to dance and vomit and pass out in small pools of their own excrement on the beaches.  This is just on Haad Rin Beach itself.  We never made it farther than that.  Mostly because of aforementioned incidents above.  

Haad Rin Beach by day

I think I'm being unfair though.  The island's still beautiful. And the day after the full moon party, it was quiet and peaceful, almost eerily so.  Which is when I found some lovely touches--morning yoga classes, open air restaurants, bars turned into well-cushioned cinemas with floor seating to rest your weary hangover.  

I was also given some sound advice by a friend that the rest of the island's little towns were tucked away and gemlike.  However, as they were only linked by fishing taxi boat and my illustrious travel buddies (Nick, our work friend, joined us here) were passed out in various states of whiskey coma, I meandered the local area alone.  This is also how I got sold into a scuba diving package with Crystal Dive Resort on the island of Koh Tao.  All I'll say about this now is don't believe everything you read in Lonely Planet.  But that's a story for another entry.  

Koh Pha Ngan? Considering we had three days there, two in states of hangover, I'll leave it at this.  I'd go back. But to a gemmy alcove during the odd new moon, half moon or perhaps even a waxing crescent.

Monsoon

This is what happens when it pours in Thailand.

Within five minutes, people, motorbikes, signs were buried up to their knees--or equivalent.  Ten minutes in, we were convinced we were stuck at the shop.  Fifteen minutes in, the rain stopped. And twenty minutes after it started, the sun came out.  Why can't this happen in London?

Koh Samui

Down in Koh Samui proper, a brisk tourist trade was taking place.  This happened to be split between many Western restaurants, a first on the trip, a beautiful but somewhat trashily clienteled beach and a series of shows run by Thai Lady Boys.  

Thus, when in Thailand you...Eat Bad Mexican Food (but do so whilst being very tan) 

Visit the Ladyboy Show...

And marvel at yet another stunning beach...

It's hard to dislike this country.  

Jungle Club, Koh Samui

We nursed our travel wounds over the next 1.5 with a combination of decadance and pure decadance, charging breakfast, lunch, dinner and drinks to the room and taking in the air, as such, infinity poolside, outdoor bungalow hutside and just outside-side full stop.   The thought of tourists and beach remained faraway and we avoided the main drag of town opting instead to hide in our jungle haven.  

 

our posh accomodation--jungle shower and the works 

On day two, we were downgraded from honeymoon suite back to our plebby accomodation, which wasn't plebish at all.  

So.lovely.

Phuket to Koh Samui

On our last day in Phuket, we made friends with a jolly old Thai travel lady who sold us two tickets to go cross-country from Phuket to Koh Samui 'in comfort'. Comfort meant air conditioning, leg room and a speedy transfer. The mini bus would pick us up at 7:45 and we'd arrive at Koh Samui at 3:30. Great. Sold.

At 8:15, our pick up arrived. Jon and I joined three American guys and an australian couple in a mini-bus made for twelve. Without any kind of trunk space, we piled our increasingly huge rucksacks to one side on the front seat. But it was kind of okay; I had come armed with Lemon Fanta.


But then we picked up three more Australians. And then two more--a dutch couple who managed to avoid speaking with the rest of the party who happened to be sharing the 10 feet of space.  The count stood at: 2 Americans, 5 Australians, 2 Dutch, Jon, myself, 11 stuffed-to-the-brim rucksacks, the driver and his girlfriend. Epic fail.

We drove. The air conditioning stopped working. We twisted our bodies as the van careened over, under and past potholes, side of the road vegetable stands and scooters carrying families of five.  We continued driving and driving and driving and stopped at a dodgy rest stop where I proceeded to get travel sick in a stand-up toilet.

Around 2:30, we arrived at another dodgy outpost claiming to be in Surat Thani.  After 40 minutes in said outpost, we crammed into a dodgier bus that seated 40 (but didn't stop us from getting in 60) and had fans on the ceiling and windows you could easily fall out of.  The only Thai person in sight was our driver, who was clearly amused at the sweating, angry Farang (white people).






Strangely, this bus amused me.  I must have been delusional.  We drove. Again. For another forty minutes witnessing a fruit car that toppled over on the side of the road.  We arrived at a rickety bridged ferry port and watched our better informed Farang friends climb onto the not dodgy ferry.  The dodgy ferry left at 4:15 and arrived in Koh Samui at 5:00pm.

And sadly, I wish that were it.  But really, it had only just begun.  Because our minibus driver who was meant to take us to our bungalow was late.  When he languidly strolled up to us fifteen minutes later, he decided that taking out his, well you know, and pissing into the gulf of Thailand was appropriate in front of a crowd of 10 women (and Jon).  He (the driver, not Jon) zipped himself up and began handling our bags.  I almost puked, again.

But no worries, we still had a forty minute transfer ahead of us.  Two hours later, after zigzagging the greater Chaweng area for the third time, the French girls lost their shit and began screaming at the driver.  He threw up his hands yelling 'okay crazy lady, okay crazy lady!'.  I wanted to laugh, really I did, but there was nothing left.

And that's how we eventually ended up at the bottom of the road of our accomodation, The Jungle Club, only accessible by resort Jeep.  13.5 hours, no meals and two minibuses, a bus, ferry and jeep later, we arrived.  To find that our reservation did not exist.

Which is how I ended up sharing the honeymoon suite with a gay man for no extra charge.  Silver lining, check!

Phi Phi day trip

After two days in Phuket, Jon and I couldn't take much more so we booked ourselves on a day trip to various destinations around Phi Phi Island. We were hoping to get something more than the glimpse we got before. And with a 6:30am wakeup, we got ready for a jam packed day. Until...I got locked in the toilet of our room.

Jon called the front desk. They sent a smiley Thai man who laughed at me from outside the door. He tried to crack the window from the other side of the bathroom, only the window was six feet up and about two feet wide. He retreated and brought back the lady from reception. They both laughed at me from outside the door. They retreated. They brought back a third smiley Thai man with a drill. And 25 minutes later, I was free.

Thankfully, Thai time works a lot like Jen time, and it didn't matter that we were ten minutes late to catch our tour.
We started on a big, pukey speedboat. When the tour guides hand you drammamine, you know it's going to be a rough ride.

First stop, Maya Beach on Phi Phi Island. It was made famous when Hollywood decided to film 'The Beach' there despite the fact it's nowhere near the island that author Alex Garland set the book in.



It looks a lot smaller in real life and sadly, the immense boat traffic means that the beach and surrounding waters are rife with pollution.

Next stop...a trip to Monkey Beach and snorkling off the coast of Phi Phi Don
I didn't get off the boat at Monkey Beach because, and not so secretly, monkeys freak the hell out of me. Jon took a walk, fed the increasingly aggressive monkeys, and got back on the boat. I took a good twenty minutes to tan the other side of my face.

And when we got to our snorkeling spot, I found out that i'm also deathly afraid of fish that look like they're about to nibble your face off. I mean, they seem innocent but they get so bloody close to your personal space that I fear they have ulterior motives.



Final Stop...Khai Nok Island (I think)
The island was just a tiny little spit of land with a snack shop, a jagged limestone cliff and some powerful waves. We docked for about two hours under the blazing sun and roasted. It was kind of perfect.




Bye, bye Phuket!